Hold me now...it's hard for me to say 'I'm sorry'.

Shortly after learning about OMGOMGOMGDOOOOOOOMWAR!!!!!, I wrote that I felt like somebody was lying on my chest, slowly seeping the air out of my lungs. Now I know why - because I was choking on my words. As Lars pointed out, I'm always the first one to say, "I was wrong." and I tend to do it publicly. After all, if you talk shit publicly, you should cop to it publicly. So here goes.

I was wrong for being so obnoxious about the Panther/Storm marriage.
I was wrong for taking so much joy in the suffering of other Storm fans.
I was wrong for taking the knives in their hearts heart and gleefully twisted them over and over and over.
I was wrong for taking so took so long to say something that I should've said months ago.
I was wrong about everything.*

Here's the story in a nutshell. Marvel Comics does another Black Panther relaunch - more like a reboot - in order to revive a book that has been on life support since it started. This time around, they decide to make T'Challa's sister Shuri the new Black Panther.** By Shuri becoming Black Panther - and even though this makes not a drop of sense, seeing that the title of Black Panther is not the same as being the king of Wakanda - Storm has now been busted down to a princess. And as we head into OMGOMGOMGDOOOOOOOMWAR!!!!!, Storm will be...in a box.

No, really. A box.

A box.

A MOTHERFUCKING BOX.***

The strange thing is I'm not even mad about this. I was mad, like...this time last year, when this dumb-ass idea let's-make-the-Panther-a-giiiiiiirl came into fruition. I mean, why waste four years on a title that can be rebooted on a whim? Don't get me wrong, I was never too keen on the idea of Storm as Black Panther. I was actually kind of excited to see Storm having such support in her sister-in-law. But that was some five or six issues ago. If my math is right - and to be fair, I dropped the book long ago - Storm has been seen speaking on a grand total of two pages in three issues. Her husband is hiding an entire army of women from her, her sister-in-law is running around calling herself a queen, and Storm doesn't seem to care. If that sounds boring, it's because it is boring, so why even bother with being mad about it?

I be shittin' on you, ho!

I know, I know, I know. If I'm not mad about it, why did I drop the title? I guess I get tired of seeing yet another black marriage being dumped all over for whatever bullshit reason that Marvel will wind up denying anyway. (See also: Black Panther != king of Wakanda.) Watching Storm be completely degraded without as much as a peep from her - especially from some 8th rate character nobody knows/cares about - is just too much. Look, if the T'Choro marriage didn't bring the sales you expected (and did anybody really think it would?), just drop it. Kill somebody off. Get a divorce. Retcon it. I don't care. But this whole busting-Storm-down-and-throwing-her-out-of-the-title crap? Completely unnecessary. And let me be blunt for a minute. If Hudlin was the one writing this arc, he would've been slagged to hell and back. But because a white man somebody who is not Hudlin is doing it, he's the second coming of Christ.

Speaking of which.

If the Storm fans are still mad at me by the end of DoomWar, I will personally eat my shoes.

You would think I would admire - or at least respect - such a colossal prick. Maybe it's just me, but if I hadn't given a single reason for Storm fans to have any faith in me, I wouldn't make such a declaration. Then again, I probably would be just as bad - if not worse - if I had some kind of Benny Hinn thing going on:

Skeptic: I'm getting worried about this.
Maberry: Just have patience.
Skeptic: OMGOMGOMGCANTWAIT!!!!

Skeptic: Storm hasn't been around in a long time.
Maberry: Keep reading.
Skeptic: YAAAAAYOMG!!!!

Skeptic: This storyline doesn't make any sense.
Maberry: Look, bitch. I'm gonna open my fly, and you're gonna swallow what I'm gonna give you to swallow.
Skeptic: (slurp slurp slurp)

Look at this picture! LOOKATIT!!!!

But now I'm speculating about that book, which is totally unfair since I'm not reading it. The point is, what goes around comes around. Always has. Always will. I just pray it doesn't last four years. I know that's cheating and I totally deserve what I get but...look, just bear with me, y'all. I'm not used to this kind of thing.

But I am breathing a little easier.

Current mood: relieved
Current music: My Life, Mary J. Blige
_____

*Which isn't the same as being sorry.

**I know what you're thinking: who the hell is Shuri? Trust me, that's not important.

***Okay, okay, so that's not quite true. In the spirit of keeping T'Choro married without actually having them in the same place at the same time, Storm is going to be kidnapped by Doom. Or something. Whatever.

Will Tyler Perry just die already?

I love Janet Jackson. Have since I was a kid. I sport a sankofa in the small of my back. So when Tyler Perry defended Janet like a true gentleman when some no-name "journalist" tried to attack her in a fit of bitchassness, I said I would never again go out of my way to attack his work.

I'm rescinding that promise.

I just made the mistake of watching The Family That Preys, seeing that it has two of my favorite actresses, Alfre Woodard and Kathy Bates. I'm one of those people who can watch a bad movie with good actors in it, which is why I own a copy of The Gospel. I'll have to come back to this entry later, but I'll say this now: Tyler Perry is a cancer to black America who deserves to be dragged into the street and shot. If we can lose Biggie and we can lose 2Pac and we can lose the Jam Master, there's no reason in the world why Tyler Perry should live to coon another day.

That is all, for now.

Jen no like. JEN SMASH!!!!

- Astonishing X-Men #25

____

Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

No, really? What?

First off, there have been no shopping sprees since the Wedding. There's been a civil war, temporarily replacing Reed and Sue in the Fantastic Four, the Skrull invasion - and oh yeah, ZOMBIES. I wasn't even aware that Storm and BP were making love at all, much less constantly. I don't think they've even been in the same place at the same time since the Skrull invasion. If Storm was constantly shopping and sexing through all that, Wakandans would've been enslaved by Kang and Kodos by now.

Greetings, Wakandans. We had your king. He was delicious!

Third of all...doesn't Storm hate Emma with a passion? I can't be the only one who remembers when Wolverine had to stop Storm from killing Emma Frost in cold blood, am I? I understand forgiveness and being the bigger person, but c'mon now. She steals your body, she screws with your mind, she steals your dead best friend's husband, and now they're chatting over lunch about Storm's sex life?

Believe it or not, this came long before the time Emma swapped bodies with Storm against her will.

There has been a lot of scrutiny about this scene. Some people say Storm is being teasing and sarcastic. Others say Storm is climbing the walls and desperate to get out of her marriage. I don't care what it is. I'm furious. Why does Marvel undermine her marriage like this? If stupid fanboys want Mammy Storm back to suckle the X-Men at her bosom, FINE. Send her back to the X-Books to be wallpaper again while the former husband of her dead best friend screws around with her once sworn enemy. But for the love of the goddess, Marvel...

LEAVE T'CHARO ALOOOOONE!!!!*

And stop messing with her uniform! This has to be the worst one yet.

*Yes, that is the official "Leave T'Charo alone" picture. I have a feeling I'm going to be saying that a LOT over the next four months.